I feel so much safer now, don’t you? Now that so many states are allowing teachers to bring guns to school! High time! Why just yesterday I took little Emmie to kindergarten for her very first day. She looked so adorable with her pink-enameled Baby Browning packed into her Hello Kitty holster. I felt so proud!
I slung my Remington over my shoulder—it’s only a semi-automatic but I didn’t want to be overdressed. Pulled up in the Hummer and noted with a sigh of relief that the entranceway was fully covered by the George Zimmerman Honorary Militia Unit Number 101. Emmie was a little shy but relaxed completely as we walked up the allee of AK 47s keeping us protected from any harm. Those militia guys are so sensitive—using their silencers to avoid upsetting the children when, for example, just behind us they dropped little Shondel from next door in his tracks when he asked, “Why you got that big gun?” Alas, his mother didn’t take it well and began wailing hysterically, even though the nice militia man explained to her that he’d just saved her from the budding terrorist she was nurturing in her bosom. But you know those people have a hard time listening to reason, so he shot her too, in self-defense, of course. How glad I am that we can stand our ground!
The Principal, Mrs. Malice, met us with a warm hug, clasping little Emmie to her bosom with a Wilson combat fixed-blade in one hand and an Uzi in the other. Then we made our way down the hallway, careful to step around a few stray corpses, nothing to worry about really, just a bit of malfunction in the settings for the drones that patrol during class. You won’t be so quick to sneak out to the bathroom without your hall pass with these babies cruising!
We entered the classroom. Miss Grudge, Emmie’s new teacher, gave her a big smile and a playful burst-in-the-air from her classic Thompson sub-machine gun. So high-spirited, yet I could tell by her Glock in the shoulder holster and the classic Colt 45 on the desk that she has a no-nonsense, serious side. The little kiddies were having a fun game of target practice with their pint-sized Smith & Wessons, so good for their hand-eye coordination! And Miss Grudge is such a creative teacher. She really knows how to spot the teaching moment—like after little Billy shot a couple of toes off by accident, why, all the little children learned to count to eight, right there and then!
I left little Emmie for her first day at school, my mind at ease knowing she was well-protected from any crazed terrorists or evildoers who might threaten her life or her freedom!
Truly, the only downside that I can see to our new weapons policy is the little incident in the State Legislature when Senator Avarice introduced the new pension reform bill. The gallery was packed with teachers and after he’d been removed in the body bag his cohorts took one look at that bristling battery of gunbarrels and rapidly voted all educators a hundred percent raise plus full medical and dental benefits and a generous life insurance plan. Surprising how much less we hear these days about state employees and their bloated entitlements.
America’s teachers—best armed, best paid!